the feels

Hi old blog, we meet again.
I made other blogs but I deleted them because I was so vexed about blogs/bloggers akjdla I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. The current feels that I have are like the ones I had when I was depressed and that does not look/sounds good. I remember back then i used to cry every night and i kept on hurting myself. I don't want to go back to those days. I don't want to feel bad about myself, i don't want to cry, i don't want to feel lonely and unwanted. I just want to feel happy and bright. I want to be free from my terrifying thoughts and negative aura. JAKDJSAJLA :( i wanna go out and be with my friends but it feels like that i don't have one. I know i have friends but it doesn't feel like that...my friends from high school, the girls i called barkada doesn't really speak to me that much right now, i mean look at them ..they look so happy without me. Nagulat na lang ako na they had a get together or something like that...may video pa sila. They didn't even asked me to go or like inform me na magkikita or am i just thinking it all for myself? baka hindi naman talaga dapat ako kasali dun kasi di naman ako needed doon? eh di ba friend nila ko? PLUS my best friend was there...so why didn't she tell me anything.....i mean...were bestfriends right....i don't know....it just feels sad and lonely. Everything has changed, college changed everything...i hate change. I don't know maybe i'll just try to ignore all these feels. well i've been ignoring these feels for quite some time. I can't take it anymore i'm breaking and it doesn't feel right. i just need someone to talk to. I just want my friends back.

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Hisashiburi

juma-japanese ang title!! HAHAH Hello bloggieeee, bulok ka na? yis nu naalala kita. WHATEVER. taray na ng ate mo. CHOS nuff of this. serious mode!!

Hell-Oh! 2nd Year college na ako!! Single na ako!! Nung isang taon lang eh 1st year college pa ko at puro problema ko ay puros lovelife! nako naknangtokneneng naman , mga nakaraang post ko dito puro kadramahan. Pero it's a good thing na din na narecord ko lahat ng saloobin ko noong mga panahong yon, I can see how much i moved on and kung pano ako nag grow from that tragic story. Sa ngayon, love life ko? HAHA 0% at wala akong balak na pagkaabalahan ng oras yan kasi ang dami ko pang pinoproblema besides sa love life! nandyan ang ACCOUNTING, MARKETING, FOOD COST, HOUSE KEEPING at kung ano ano pa. pinilit ko din mag hanap ng love life pero tinamad lang ako! ubnormal lang talaga siguro ako, lumabas nanaman ang kahiligan ko sa mga ANIME at MANGA. Mas lumalala pa nga ata ngayon! lalo na nung sembreak, maybe I'll post here kung ano-anong mga manga at anime na yung mga natapos ko :)

till` here pyooong.

INTENSE

HAHA hello! mabilisang post lang to ah!

i don't feel empty anymore kahit na iniwan or wala ka sa buhay ko :) i'm just happy to love you kahit na sa ganitong way lang! even though you can't return the feelings i have for you okay lang sakin. That's love i guess. Kahit na di mo ko pinapansin or kinakausap or wala kang care sakin okay lang. Maybe i have gotten used to it or maybe i already accepted the sad reality or just maybe i over looked at things dati. ONE THING I'M SURE RIGHT NOW IS THAT I TRULY LOVE YOU AND I DON'T REGRET ANYTHING :)

try post using my phone

glimpse on my vacation O'12

HAHA heeyoong :) hi blog!! grabe nabasa ko ulit ung mga other posts ko about lovelife pala lahat!! YUCK >:P meheh starting now di na ko masyadong mag post about love and him. I'll keep it to myself na langs. JEJE. Pero wait summer post dpat to..

Hello :) you are reading my blog! YAY thanks!! I am currently in my Lola's house its in Surigao, sa Mindanao po yun. ANLAYO NU!! i decided to spend my vacation here, kase broken hearted ako, kase death anniversary ng lolo, kase magbirthday ung lola ko at kase gusto ko pumunta sa bohol!! HAHAHA. i'll be posting pictures when I get back to Laguna. ANG BILIS LANG TLGA KASE NG INTERNET DITO *sarcasm* HAHA.

A typical day here is so relaxing. GUYS! believe me ang lamig dito lalo na sa umaga!! not like in manila or like in laguna..ang banas lang almost everyday, dito hindi, umuulan dito most of the time pero hindi naman hard core ung pag-ulan. HAHA :)) sarap magbakasyon dito kase you can sleep na without feeling na ANG BANAS and you can just easily breathe in and out ang fresh kase ng hangin..sarap ilagay sa bote at ibaon sa manila. Kahapon pumunta kami sa sementeryo! ang cool kase ang lapit lang, we visited my lolo and tito and great grandfather and great grandmother and and and =)) adik ako sa and! PWE bsta un. katakot sa sementeryo!! minsan lang ako pmnta ng sementeryo eh kasi sa laguna wala naman kmeng kamag anak na bibisitahin sa sementeryo..nasa probinsya lahat tapos sa mindanao pa un OH SAN KA PA?


pero tinamad ako bigla magkwento :)) inaantok nanaman ako tsssk XDD hala sige matutulog muna ako. i'll be posting a lot of entry next time promise :)

i love you and i don't regret that :) i will move on maybe after 2 years...but i won't forget how much love i have for you :)

le me singing

family101:1

HAHA kaninang umaga after nameng magsimba *palm sunday* breakfast.

ako: guys~ define nyo ang word na FACT, ma ikaw alam mo un?
mama: oo naman! un ung..*sabay kaen na lang*
ako: HALALA ano di alam!! ikaw dadi?
dadi: un ung ano! *sabay kaen*
ako: HAHAH OKAY ano to joke time...!
mama: Oh! de! kala ko matalino ka! sagutin mo si nica kung hindi kukurutin ko hello kitty mo!
ako: HAHAHAHA CRAZY HELLO KITTY!?? ANO YUN =)))
mama: HAHAH BSTAAA.

wtf lang ano ung hello kitty...HAHAHA =)) natatawa ako kahit di ko alam e!!! crazy!!

tapos knina bago kami umalis sa parking lot, kumain muna si mama nung binili nyang salad something...
mama: *kaen at humigop nung juice*
kuya: ANO SOPAS?
ako: AHAHA crazy!! parang kape lang ah!
kuya: anong lasa ma?
ako: LASANG SOPAS! =)) CRAZY!!!
mama: ano ako nanaman trip nyo.

lol un lang :) wala kase akong makwentuhan kase pag kwinento ko kay paparenz mabobored lang lalo sakn un :)) tsaka wala naman nagbabasa ng blog ko kaya okay lng to =)))

bumalik ka nga...walang kwenta naman ako para sayo. Feel ko di ko na deserve ung pagmamahal mo...feel ko di na kita mapapasaya kahit anong gawin ko..feel ko hindi mo na ak mamahalin katulad ng dati...feel ko maliit na lang ang halaga ko sayo. feel ko na iba na talaga yung tingin mo sakin..like malandi ako, mananakit, papaiyakin ka lang at di ka papahalagahan..pero...kung alam mo lng lahat ng nararamdaman ko...kung pano ako nag sacrifice para sayo...kung gano ka kaimportante sa buhay ko, kung paano kita inuuna sa lahat ng bagay at kung pano kita mahalin...sana...sana maging masaya ka sakin...kahit mukang malabo na :(

nahihiya na ako sayo..i have no words to say except iloveyou. di ko alam kung paano tayo magiging okay..di ko na alam kung pano mo ko mamahalin ulit..di ko na alam kung mahal mo pa talaga ako oh naawa ka na lang sakin...nasasaktan pa din ako kahit bumalik ka na, parang sobrang sama kong tao para balikan mo pa. Masakit  sa pakiramdam na yung taong mahal mo ng sobra ay iba na ang tingin sayo..MANANAKIT AT WALANG KWENTA. nagpakatanga lang sya kaya sya bumalik...kapag hindi na sya tanga baka iwan kna nya talaga...nahiya na ko saknya..i am not worthy of his love..pero i want it. he makes me feel so small and unworthy and it hurts a lot.. it hurts to know...

siguro na realize mo na hindi ako maganda kaya hindi mo ko mamahalin habang buhay :)

realizations comes

naiiyak nanaman ako... ang habang panahon na naging insensitive ako sa mga nararamdaman nya...i had been the worst for the past one year of our relationship, kung hindi ka nagbago hindi ko marerealize lahat ng toh... i was too blinded of the fact na mahal na mahal mo talaga ako, i was too self centered to see that you were suffering so much that it almost killed you. Ang tapang at ang lakas ng puglet ko, he was able to endure me for one year na ganun ugali ko... now that i had realized how much pain i had gave him, hindi na ko magtataka at maninisi kung bakit siya nagbago at humanap ng iba...hindi na dn ako magugulat kung ganun man. Now that i've realized what i've done, now its my turn to be in his position! I'll be strong for him and i'll take everything that he throws at me just what he did. I'll do everything because he did everything for me, I WON'T EVER LET GO because he never let me go :) There might be times that i'd get weak and hopeless but in the end i'll strive to do my best because you did too. I SUCK, i thought i had given him the perfect love that he deserves but it was not even close to perfect!! I am a total failure, the things i said the things i wrote, they were all forgotten. I am so sorry for being a failure :( now that i had gained these realizations, i hope to finally give you the love that you want and deserve! YOU DESERVE MORE AND BETTER. So please give me a chance to show you how much love and care i can give to you. I miss how we used to be... oo nga pala, sana gumaling ka na, almost one week ka na din may sakit e :( kajdkkaljdlak :(((( depression mode again!! haay i hope things will get better for us because in every end of any day I always wanted you nothing more just you :'(

this is the saddest part of our love

:(( i really don't know what to do anymore si puglet ko, he changed his attitude towards me. Sobrang snobbish na siya sakn pagalit lge ung tono ng boses nya, hindi na siya nanglalambing sakin hindi niya na ko tinatawagan like always...i never new someone so special can change in such time... i love him so much that it hurt really bad... :(( anung bang gnawa ko..pano ka ba babalik sa dati...please just come back to being what you used to be :((

and there i was laying down in my bed thinking that you'd accept me even though i'm at my worst state but reality knocked and hit me he's never be going to be happy again if you are like that. I believed that people change over time either for worst or for better, if someone truly loves you he/she won't mind if you cry a lot if you are so damn curious about everything. I have change, yes i did, time changed me and it can't be helped. I have love and it's getting stronger everyday but you can't see it. I have changed both for worst and for better. This time i don't want anyTHING but anyONE would do, anyone who could accept me for who and what i am going to be.

i hope you can see the tears that i fear

the shadows had got me and they are near,

call me now or forever shall i sleep in thy mist.

#when you actually thought he would accept who you are. Sasabhin niya sayo na tanggap ka naman nya but he will still insist na mas gusto niya ung dati. IRONIC :) i accept the fact that everyone does not appreciate my everything. I learned to live with only half a life. Please sana . . . . someday i'll find someone who'll really love me... without any standards without any regret without any hesitation without any rule . Just love for real.

021412

Happy Valentines Day!

Hi, its valentines day and i don't get to see my puglet which is actually sad. Even though we had the chance to meet nung Saturday...iba pa din talaga ung magkikita kami nung mismong valentines daaaaay....HAHAH ang arte ko eh gusto ko nga araw araw kami magkita, pero anong magagawa namin sadyang malupit ang buhay. Eto talaga ung challenge sa relationship namen..minsan naasar na lang ako HAHA pero keri ko naman minsan lang talaga naasar ako kase ang layo namen sa isa't isa samantalang ung iba, buti pa sila... yan tuloy nagagalit ako saknya minsan ng walang dahilan. Pero kahit na mabilis ako magalit, maasar at magtampo hindi niya ko iniiwan sa ere! BLEEEH :P swerte ko BWAHAHA!! AKO NA!! :"> =)))) kahit minumura ko na sya, well tinatawanan nya lang ako pero okay lang atleast nandyan pa din sya para sakin. Kahit na minsan di ko alam kung bakit ayaw ko syang kausapin, di nya pa din ako tinatantanan! HAHA sobrang thankful ako kase kahit topakin ako for most of the time. He's still there and making me calm and happy. I LOVE LOVE LOVE HIM SO MUCH!! Despite the fact na sobrang lage kame nag aaway, mahal na mahal na mahal ko yon. HAHAHA minsan maldita lang talaga ako. HAAAY happy ang valentines ko :)

Advance valentines day

hmm, let's start this post with a picture :)

nung February 11, 2012 lumabas kami ni Paparenz pero kasama namin yung pinsan ko. Date namen para sa valentines day, kase obviously di kami magkikita on vday. Alam ng parents ko na manunuod ako at ung pinsan ko ng movie alam din nila na kasama ko si paparenz. HAHA how nice :) btw, ung movie na pinanuod namen " THE VOW " grabe last year ko pa hinihintay yung movie na yoooon!!! HAHA at masayang masaya ako na napanuod ko yun with my paparenz :) lol sa totoo lang gusto ko talaga manuod kame nun kase minsan lang kami manuod ng romantic movie together, kung hindi action or fantasy na movie, ano..uumm parang ung my neighbor's wife..eh di ko naman kinoconsider un na romantic movie...HAHAHAHA =)) basta . Sige game na nga eto na yung nangyare on that day, first nagkita kami sa Cm the usual ;) hahaha nung pagkita ko saknya na pa WOW nanaman ako, eh ang matcho nya :"> =)))))))))) manyak ko ba? di ko snasbe sknya un ng personal e, nhihiya ako =)) at ang gwapo shet lang. HAHAHA aksjdlkasjdsa uuuugh nakakagigel taba. AMP. edi un sakay kame sa jeep tapos punta ng sm!! weee~ bumili agad kme ng tickets para walang hussle~ tapos eh mga 3 pa ung start nung movie so naglibot libot muna kame sa SM, binilhan ko sya ng MUG ehe~ couple MUG un eeee :) ang cute ewan ko lang kung nagustuhan nya un (._.); ako kse super like ko =)) mahilig kse ako mag milo ang stuff so magagamt ko sya every day at cute pa...HAHAA ansabe. tapos nakita namen ung mga classmates nyaa sinitsitan sya wala lang hahaha. tapos nakita ko dn ung crush kong bakla date. AHAHA inapiran ko si ate. HAHAH joke. pero di joke ung inapiran ko. haha tas niloko si paparenz na kinikilg ako na something...eh d naman talaga...EWWW!! HAHAHAHAHA grabe lang. tapos feel ko na upset ko syaaa tameme tuloy ako. O_O ayon tapos nag laro na lang ako ng unblock me. Hilig ko kaseng mang asar e :( nakakayamot. tapos habang nag unblock me ako umalis syaa may bibilhn daw sya naicp ko na baka bibili un ng regalo sakn baka flowers? pero naicp ko dn n baka puntahan nya ung mga classmates nya para gumanti churvaa kaya ewan medyo nalulungkot ako nung umalis sya. Medyo matagal din sya nun tinamad n ko mag unblock me, tapos tumingin tingin ako sa paligid tapos nakta ko sya sa may escalator may dalang bulaklak! sbe ko SABE NA NGA BA!!! kinabahan ako nun e!!! oo kinabahan ako kase di ko alam ung irereact ko skanya..HAHA pero KEEP CALM AND WAG PAHALATA kaya nung pagdating nya muntanga ako =)))) answeet flowers chocolates and letter :) akdjklasdsaklj kinilig ako totoo! pero mas kinilig pa ata sya sakn HAAHHAHAHA =))))) LOL. nahhya ko habang naglalakad may dalang flowers....HHAHAH wala lang :) kung siguro ako naging lalake, papakilign ko girlfriend ko linggo linggo =))) pero si paparenz araw araw nya ko pinapakileg minsan mataas lang tlga standards ko sa pagging kilig something kase ung mga nabasa kong manga at anime at movies. HAHA kaya taas ng standards ko e. Di ako agad agad kinikilig, pag nakahiga na ko sa gabi tapos naalala ko ung mga nangyare dun ako kinikilig naalala ko lahat ng gnawa nya para sakn :) dun pumapasok ung thought na swerte ko talaga :) HAHAHAHA yabang!! pero totoo eh. ANYWAY!!! bsta after nung flower stuff nanuod n kame ng movie tapos after nun kumaen na kame sa MCDO at umuwi nga pala bumili ako ng cake para sa dadi ko kase birthday nya sa 13!! WOOOO. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!! HAHAHA

sorry gulo ng post ko ngayon, hnd maayos ang thoughts ko ngayon. not clearly organized sorry. next time aayusn ko talaga. sana naintndhan nyo ung gusto kong iparating

HAHA best valentines day ever :) thank you paparenz!! I LOOOOOOVEEEE YOOOOUUUUU!!!

My BoyFriend's Message for last week

yeah! after ng super malaking problema buti na lng nagkaayos kami! haha d ko na sasabihin ung mga problema samin na yun! haha basta masaya na kami ngayon dahil bumalik ung dating kami :) ung lage nagawa ako ng paraan para kiligin sya!! haha ang saya pla bumanat kahit korni =)) the best ung"nothing is permanent in this world, only my love for you" super ako un :) totoo un permanent ung pagmamahal ko sakanyaaaaaaaa! :) wala na akong ibang mamahalin pa dahil sakanya ako sobrang masaya ako sayo ! :) sige na nga ikwento ko naaaaaaaaa =)) eh kase namn akoo sobrang matanong! =)) ayun tuloy nagalit syaaaaaa tapos badtrip sya kase d nya maalala ung pinagaralan nya para sa exam nyaaaa! sorry kase minsan d ako nakikineg . almost pla pero minsan nakikinig ako nuuuuuuuuuuuuu! pero lage kita naiintndihan :) akala mo lang hindi pero oo! oo! oo! naiintndhan kita :) sorry tlga sa lahat lahat ng nagawa kong kamali mali! promise ko ngayon simula ngayon paparamdam ko sayo palage na sobrang mahal kita importante ka at papakiligin kita palage! ngayon nga eh nagawa na ko ng paraan! para pakiligin kaaaaaa sa sabado yieee! excited na ko sa saturday dahil magkikita tayo :) maguusap at mag dadateeeeee magksamaaaaa tapos pupunta pa ko sa inyo <3 ang saya partyyyyyy lilibre mo ko :> HAHA sorry tlga sa mga pagkukulang ko bilang boyfriend mo haaaaaaaa! :) basta isa lng tlga mapapangako ko . actually dalawa . eto un oh " hindi kita iiwan at ikaw lang ang mamahalin ko forever " :) totoo yan itatak mo na palage sa puso at isip mo kahit ano mangyare hindi ako mawawala sayo kase mahal kita ng totoo :) sorry tlga kung napapafeel ko sayo na ikaw lage masama eh hindi naman . ako tlga ung masama tapos nagpapaawa pa ko sa fb sorry tlgaaaaaaa gsto ko lng talaga ako lng lalage mooooo forever sa puso mo sympre kasama na dun sila dadi mo at kuya moooo :) wag na tayo mag aaway haaaaaaa pero hindi un mapapangako kase kusa un nadating basta satin gagawin lng natn best natin para hindi mag away :) mahal na mahal na mahal talaga kita salamat sa lahat lalo na sa pagmamahal mong forever and ever :) hindi ka sumusuko kahit super napapagod ka at nasasaktan . mahal mo tlga ako :) lage ako nandito para sayo pugs :) kaya wag kang matatakot ha . wag ka ng malungkot :*** i love you :) gsto ko na mag sabadoooooo! haha yayakapin kita :)

* insert sad title here *

days lang after my birthday and i feel devastated and depressed. Sa sobrang depress nagkapatong patong na mga problema ko. Sana di na lang ako nag birthday haha kasi ganun din naman malungkot lang din naman. This year is gonna be the saddest year ever, birthday ko pa lang sad na what more on the coming days that's why i never expect anything from anyone or something. Kase when you expect and your expectation was not fulfilled you will be more than crushed and devastated. Parang ung exam ko lang sa HRM kala ko maalala ko ung mga inaaral ko, i studied for like 1 and a half day for that subject pero nung nag exam i ended up having a huge frown on my face kase nakalimutan ko lahat ng inaral ko. HOW FUN DBA :) tapos when you got home may tatawag sayo kinakamusta ka then sinabe mo na wala kang nasagot sa test tas saknya parang wala lang, okay lang din un ganun, never expect nga dba, tapos kkwentuhan k nya ng kung ano ano na hindi nya alam n badtrip ka sobra, AND YOU CALL YOURSELF AS MY SOULMATE? based on this experience your pretty much not my soulmate :) Tapos while i try to cheer myself up by reminiscing ung mga memories na sobrang saya ko, you ended up making me feel even worse, more than devastated i was burned to hell. Thank you for destroying myself-cheering-up method. Lumabas na din ung totoo mong kulay, sige kasalanan ko lagi sorry kung ikaw lagi may kasalanan, sorry kung hindi ko mameet ung mga demand mong " madali " sorry din kung di ako katulad mo na sweet and stuff wag ka na mag aalala i changed myself already, so when u get back home today, you'll never feel the old me, CHERISH EVERY FEELING BECAUSE IT WON'T LAST FOREVER but i guess the feeling that i have now will be with me for a lifetime. I have no life to live only a body to move , thank you for making me feel this way, even though it crushed me , i'll be fine you won't care anyway. Birthday wish ko? siguro hmm, sana may makaintndi sakn, please? if not i think i'll die THOUGHTS CAN KILL. I slept with tears on my eyes and woke up having a lot of morning stars, then i cried ended up having a huge puffy eyebags. I can handle this everyday i'm used to this and i'll get through this. LOVE can change either for the best or for the worst. I had a lot to say but the mind can't say it all in words. I HAD MY SAY, I WILL OBEY, BECAUSE TODAY I AM NO LONGER ME BUT RATHER I AM YOU.

meet my ever loving boyfriend, this is how he use to be before he met me....GAWD thank goodness you met me !!! dahil sakin pumogi ka oh =))))

the year wouldn't end without pictures :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

LOL grabe ang bilis ng araw!! and i don't wanna think about how fast time flies kase parang nasayang lang ung ibang araw ko sa pagiging random ko :)) ANYWAY :) 2011 was one heck of a great year for me, biruin mo nung 2011 GRUMADUATE AKO SA PAGIGING HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT, NAKATAPOS KME NG THESIS, I'VE BEEN WITH COOL PEOPLE like my best friends forever NADAHATAPABEBI, MET NEW PEOPLE, FOUND NEW CIRCLE OF FRIENDS, NAKAPASOK AKO SA UST and LEARNED TO LIVE ON MY OWN :) 2011 gave me different kind of challenges like COLLEGE, PRESSURE and FAMILY. I don't remember how I managed to overcome all these but i'm grateful to each person in my life that made me stronger and taught me how to live my life to the fullest. Living Mary Help was on of the saddest part of my life :( kase we've grown old in that school and I never put into mind that someday i'd be leaving it. Simula ng college life ko my relationship with God became poor and this new year i'm going to regain what i've lost. BABAWI AKO KAY GOD :) I LOVE YOU PO!! SORRY FOR BEING SUCH A DORK AND FORGETTING TO PRAY WELL :( actually may new year's resolution po ako.. first is MAG SIMBA EVERY SUNDAY!!! yeah ahihi.

Of course di makukumpleto ang post kong ito ng walang tungkol kay PAPA RENZ =)) 2011 is our year!! 2011 is never fun without him. i love him, yes i truly do. kahit minsan lagi ko syang di kinakausap, di pinapansin, laging sinusungitan, laging pinagsasabihan at inaaway at nilalait at sinusuntok at ewan ko na dami kong ginagawa sakanya HAHAHAHAH. Minsan naiisip ko may pagkasadista ako lalo na pagdating sakanya..cute nya kase umiyak parang si damulag lang HAHAHAHAH. kahit ba naman dito inaaway ko pa din sa paparenz =)) ZzZ weh pero seryoso thinking of not having him by my side is like earth with no heaven, he made each day worth it, he tries to make me laugh even though i really don't want to, he freakingly annoys me!!! that's why i love him soooooooo much nomnom =))) he can do all the mistakes he can do because i will give him every chance in the world. We are young, we learn and we become better :) We can grow from each other and someday we will become the best even though we're already the best AHAHAHAHA =)) I LOVE HIM and i won't fight this feeling anymore, i'll show it and i'll prove it. Nobody can love him more than me. HIS FOREVER MINE SO BACK OFF BITCHES. AHAHAHAHA. sorry for making you cry and making you feel sad and not important but really just look into my eyes and you'll see what you really mean to me. I PROMISE TO BECOME MORE LOVING AND CARING , happy new year puglet let's make 2012 a more awesome year :)